It was on the morning that I found a nice bright shiny penny that the president was shot. Here’s what truly happened that day. The penny was found on a sidewalk in Silver Spring Washington, DC. The light of the sun hit the brand new spanking penny in a way that caused it to reflect off into a neighbor's home, and into the eyes of a man cooking himself some breakfast. Specifically, toasted sourdough bread. The light blinded him at the exact moment as he reached into the piping hot toaster to grab the bread. Surprised by the sudden light he burns his hand on the toaster. He walks to the sink to run it under cool water, and soon smells burnt toast. Frustrated, he throws the burnt sourdough bread into the food processor, which runs it down into the sewer.
The sourdough flows down the piping all the while growing via it’s being a lively culture. It finally grows to such a size that it gets stuck 10 miles south in a pipe beneath the White House. It stops the flow of water, and soon, the pipe builds pressure. This pressure builds to the point that all the toilets within the White House overflow. As a response, a row of porta johns are placed outside the building to be accessible to the employees while the mess is cleaned. Eventually, the president has to pee, and is accompanied by his secret service agents. The other secret service agents also decide to utilize the porta johns at this time, all except the one guarding the president’s. The president finishes before the others, and the agent guarding him decides he would like to go in as well. Seeing as there was no one else around, he hands his weapon to the president to hold onto for the short moment he would be gone. The president, having never been properly taught how to receive a weapon, grabs it from the agent's hands by the grip. The weapon inevitably fires into his foot. And that is how the morning that I found a really shiny penny was consequentially the very same day the president was shot.